Desperate Measures

One of the great mystery’s of the modern world is the failure of squash to achieve the sporting preeminence that it so richly deserves. Quite why the International Olympic Committee would prefer to watch scantily clad beach volley ball players rather than marvel at the artistry of our finest players is a question your Captain has long pondered, by the way did you see that Brazilian pair?…eh?…oh…

Of course the fight against sporting prejudice is one that we are all too familiar with here at NSC in our eternal quest for new members. I won’t soon forget the day I happened upon our leader and President, the fine man that is, Tony Fitterer. He was curled up in a dark corner of the club, surrounded by a mountain of empty beer bottles, muttering incoherently about the injustice of it all and something about our desperate need for new members. “There there old chap” I soothed, before carrying him back to the bar, there to revive him with one of my patented “fixer uppers” (triple vodka, squeeze of lemon and a dash of ginger ale). I must say I was deeply moved by our President’s suffering. It was clear to the Captain that the club was in grave danger and it was within the week that I had launched the most successful membership recruitment campaign in the history of the club: The N.S.C. Family Breeding Program.

It was clear to the Captain that the club was in grave danger and it was within the week that I had launched the most successful membership recruitment campaign in the history of the club: The N.S.C. Family Breeding Program.

The campaign kicked off with an email to all members offering 2 free beers, (domestic or draught) at the NSC bar if they would consider supporting the club by conceiving a baby and future member. It was an anxious few months for the Captain while he waited for his labors to bear, (if you’ll excuse the pun) fruit. One couldn’t but notice that Messrs Bassett, Rutherford and Nagakawa appeared a bit worn out and seemed to lack their usual vim and vigor, (at least on court) and how the Captain’s winning percentage soared! James Plomonden seemed strangely reluctant to execute his famous front court lunge, tongues were wagging when Carlos Accosta was observed knitting a cradle cap on the bleachers outside court one and when Carlos Sperling entered the change room humming “Jack and Jill” it began to look promising indeed. Furthermore, it was impossible not to notice that some of our lady members appeared to be “gaining weight,” though your captain has long since learned to keep this observation to himself.

I’m reminded of the advice my great Aunt Myrtle gave me shortly before she fell off her perch, “Be careful what you ask for, dear Backhand.” Certainly the campaign has been a rousing success, our club is swollen with members (insert your own joke here), the junior program has a wait list of over a hundred, and our President is a beaming vision of conviviality. It’s the greatest population explosion since the Chinese revolution, and yet the Captain cuts a sad and disgruntled figure. Why you ask? Good grief…the place is awash with babies! Court 4 will shortly be converted to a full time crèche complete with 60,000 plastic balls, qualifications for the job of club pro now includes an early childhood education diploma, and the men’s change room, where once a bastion of male sporting ritual is now full of screaming infants, soiled diapers and once proud men sadly reduced to the cooing, nursery rhyme singing version of the modern father. The captain is deeply disturbed! I first met my father when I was presented to him for inspection on my 18th birthday, and not a bit of harm did it do me! Ah well….changed times indeed.

Cheers,
Captain Backhand

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 8th, 2009 at 7:00 pm and is filed under Captain Backhand. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.