Nanaimo Squash Club

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Captain Backhand
The Captain's Big Secret

A question. What is the connection between the remarkable consistency of your Captain’s year round squash performance and the “peely wally’ all white complexion of his skin? “What the hell is he on about now?” I hear you mutter as your finger twitches over the click button…but wait…read on…for all will shortly be revealed…

The answer is quite simple. Unlike many of his peers who apply the brakes to their squash careers during the summer months, choosing instead to pursue the hedonistic lifestyle, gorging on hamburgers and lashing back copious quantities of cold beer, (Bassett, think of your ranking man!), your captain hits the proverbial gas, flicks on the turbo charger, and accelerates effortlessly into the fast lane, thus laying the groundwork for yet another fabulously successful season. Oh yes and all the while maintaining that oh so fashionable “pale” complexion which, I’m told, is increasingly alluring to the finer sex.

"Oh yes and all the while maintaining that oh so fashionable “pale” complexion which, I’m told, is increasingly alluring to the finer sex."

Those of us who maintain our devotion to the game during the summer months recognize in one another a sense of sacrifice and virtue, a shared ethic if you will, which sets us apart and forges a unique and special bond. Though the bowels of our venerable club may lack ultra violet light, and indeed for a significant part of this summer lacked oxygen due to the collapse of the air conditioning system, (reminding your captain of the many tortuous days and nights spent in Calcutta’s infamous “Black Hole” during an unsuccessful stint in the Kings 49th infantry), we committed few will not be deterred.

Let me categorically deny that the determined and slightly desperate efforts of your Captain have anything whatsoever to do with the fact that young Blake Olsen is spending his summer in Vancouver training with some of our provinces’ top players. Furthermore, let me assure you that there is no basis whatsoever to the rumor that your Captain is tormented by his emphatic defeat at the hands of young Olsen in our recent Open Championship and that he has had trouble sleeping ever since. Those that fought along side me know that your Captain showed no trace of fear when the whistle blew and he flew over the trenches at the Somme, and there is certainly no question of him showing, or indeed feeling, any fear when he steps on court against young Olsen on his return from gaining a thoroughly unfair advantage over all of us. See you in September!

Aye yours,
Captain Backhand

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