Nanaimo Squash Club

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Captain Backhand
The Gloves Come Off

As Chair of the club’s “Moral and Ethics Committee” your Captain has adopted a gentle and non-confrontative approach to the disciplinary dilemmas presented by the occasional wayward member. When Greg Vander Koi first joined the club he was famous for his mud caked Wellington Boots, mysteriously encrusted T-shirts and underwear that dated back to the Boer War. A slight mist of sawdust followed his every move on court and a converted chain saw case served as his kit bag. Your Captain’s solution to this most vexing of problems? To introduce Greg to his future wife, the lovely Erin Watkins, whose influence upon his wardrobe has been a marvel to behold.

"migraine inducing effects of Blake’s famous yellow “lucky” shorts"

 As you know, Blake Olsen’s thrashing of the Captain at our last tournament has been widely attributed to the migraine inducing effects of Blake’s famous yellow “lucky” shorts. Careful observers will have noted that Blake’s shorts appear somewhat faded of late; the result of the Captain’s cunning ploy to sprinkle industrial strength bleach on the offending item while its owner was in the shower. A brilliant solution perhaps, but one that leaves the Captain perilously short on excuses for future crushings at the hands of young Olsen.

As you can see your captain is not one to court conflict. Where a creative and kindly solution is available your captain will seek it out. All of which explains his current consternation at the troubling case of Harold Trenchard. It’s not the first time that Trenchard has offended against what we in the “Moral and Ethics Committee” call “reasonable behavior”. Some years ago he appeared on court in a pair of neon green shorts that caused a number of his opponents to experience minor seizures and a permanent blurring of the vision. More recently, a distraught Jon Richard, having searched high and low for a T-shirt to which he was deeply attached, was aghast to look down from the balcony and spot the brazen Trenchard, clad in his beloved T-shirt, and sweating like a Kentucky thoroughbred.

But wait there’s more. Only under intense pressure has Trenchard dispensed with his yellow “Corona” squash bag following a directive from the “Morality and Ethics Committee” that he was sending a questionable message to the juniors and all who struggle with the ravages of alcoholism, (gentlemen, you know who you are). I myself have “learned” that Harold’s squash bag was a personal “trigger” and largely responsible for the binge drinking which has prevented me from fulfilling my full potential on court.

All of this however, pales into insignificance before his latest indiscretion, namely his bizarre and inexplicable decision to wear white gloves on court. His defense has consisted of some lame excuse about sweat and grips and a desire to avoid knocking out opponents with his flying racquet. Admittedly sweat runs off the well-exercised Trenchard like a turbid Vancouver water shed, however his claim that he cannot keep a grip dry entirely misses the point. Is squash to go the way of golf where “Big Mama Bertha” technology allows six year olds to hit 300 yards? Or tennis, where racquet technology has advanced to the point where my great Aunt Myrtle second serves at over 100mph?

"sweat runs off the well-exercised Trenchard like a turbid Vancouver water shed"

Dear members, the very fabric of the game that we love is under attack. Harold Trenchard may in all other respects be a fine chap, but we must not be blinded to the threat he poses to the peerless game that is squash. The “Moral and Ethics Committee” has moved swiftly to tackle the problem and we are confident that Harold will comply with our request that he dispenses henceforth with the gloves and voluntarily enrolls in our upcoming weekend intensive: “The Moral Squash Player” presented by the NSC club Chaplain, Father Patrick O’Flannagan.

Cheers,
Captain Backhand

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