Nanaimo Squash Club

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Captain Backhand
A Wise and Just Counsel

“A wise and just counsel” may well be one of the many epitaphs engraved on your Captain’s headstone when he is finally laid to rest. Over the years I have grown accustomed to approaches by fellow members, bearing their souls and seeking my wise counsel regarding the myriad of dilemmas and problems that beset their off court lives.

It seems like yesterday when a young and dashing Greg Vander Kooi sidled up to me in the change room and asked how he might emulate my remarkable success with the fairer sex. “Wellington boots!!!” I roared “ you’ll never get back to the “T” in your Wellies!” Admittedly he did appear a bit puzzled by my clever squash metaphor, however he clearly got the message and within the month was happily hitched to the woman of his dreams, the lovely Erin Watkins.

On another occasion I was approached by a greatly distressed Steve Bassett, without doubt the most gifted all round athlete ever to grace our fine club, and a fine chap to boot. “Stevie old chap…” I enquired, ‘what on earth is wrong?” He proceeded to tell me that he is absolutely tormented by the ease with which Douglas Hardie “Nutmegs” him, (slips the ball through his legs) at their weekly indoor soccer match. “Stevie” I said, throwing a consoling arm around his shoulders, “there are great soccer players, and there are truly great soccer players…..you are a great soccer player.” He wept quietly for a few minutes, then thanked me profusely and carried on with his life, clearly the better man for my timely intervention.

"He wept quietly for a few minutes, then thanked me profusely and carried on with his life"

A more recent dilemma involved Gord Cote and Carlos Sperling. They approached me with a request that I conduct a full forensic investigation into a recent on court incident involving Gord’s racquet, Carlos’s face and a sizeable quantity of blood. These are always tricky situations and your Captain is scrupulous in his efforts to ensure a “fair and just decision.” The facts in this case appears relatively straightforward. Gord was “executing” a straightforward backhand during a keenly contested point, serving 8-3 in the fourth.

What happened next will haunt the lives of those that witnessed it for many years to come. Carlos was observed, suddenly and without provocation, launching his not inconsiderable frame in the general direction of Gord, before executing a head butt on Gord’s racquet, so severe that those watching were convinced the racquet would break. Fortunately Gord’s “Prince” incurred only a minor abrasion to the rim. The fact that Carlos’s face resembled a bowl of mashed potatoes drenched in tomato ketchup is neither here nor there, and I have issued Mr. Sperling with the sternest of warnings as to his future conduct.

Alastair McColl’s right eye brow committed a similar assault on my own racquet some months ago and my lawyers are currently seeking compensation for the significant emotional suffering caused to myself, (and family) by this unhappy event. McColl won’t soon forget my stern rebuke, delivered while the blood poured fresh from his wound… “good grief man,” I bellowed, “leave my damn racquet alone!”

Sincerly,
Captain Backhand

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